i think you came into my life, solely to be a lesson learned and nothing more than a shot of pain most women couldn't bare.
i remember that you had a beard that extended to your neck, and you had these strange blue-green eyes and your voice was gruff, yet warm.
you had demons of which i'd never known. you were addicted to skin and passion wrapped in blankets and the highest of highs. inside of me you saw nothing but useless, worldly possessions and the useless things you could do with them. you injected me with your poison and you knocked it out of me just as quickly.
i realized that, for anyone to love me, i had to first find love within myself;
we never asked ourselves what went wrong or what we could have done to help each other.
the solution to that?
and if that helps you sleep at night, then i am forever grateful for that.
at night, i want to sleep beside a man who loves me.
i'm sure you had your demons. everyone has a past and i must admit that mine was much less shocking than yours. you weren't socialized; "he doesn't know any better", they said. "you've got to raise this man. you've got to raise all men." i know that you say that i was brainwashed, but you broke down every wall i had, simply because we were different.
this year, i woke up alone for the first time and suddenly i realized what it felt like to sleep, uninterrupted and i knew that i would never have to worry again. i'd never have to lie on the floor and sob. i'd never have to pray for my soul to be saved to a god i didn't even want to believe in. i would never have to plan my funeral. i never had to touch you. i never had to come home to another couple in our bed just so you could get off.
i buried our son near the river that night. he never had the chance to say "mommy, i love you" or "mommy, my tummy hurts". there would never be a blue eyed, blonde haired smile. there would never be nights spent bonding, trying to get him to latch on. there would never be anything. i don't question it anymore. all i know, is that when i become a mother, i will love my children eternally, in memory of the one you took away. he lived within my loins for only fourteen short weeks, but from the moment two pink lines appeared, there was a name, an identity, and a seat in the front of the classroom. i knew it was a boy. don't ask me how. a mother knows.
i knew that i needed to look deep within my heart and understand that there were things about me that had to change before i considered letting someone soak himself in my spirit and drown himself in my dreams. i needed to make myself stronger in order for love to find me.
the judge asked me if i hate you.
i stood there, blank for just a moment.
"miss?" he said. "the court requires a response before we make our decision."
"no, sir. i love him for waking me up and helping me to realize that i deserve so much better. not a man who tells me that he doesn't want a 'fucking bastard and a whore' while i'm in the middle of bleeding out and passing a human body through my small frame. i deserve a young man who is willing to provide, not take, from others. i love him for helping me come to the realization that no matter how many insults i took, fat, or ugly, or stupid...i am beautiful, and i am strong. i stayed when any other woman would have went insane or simply ran away in the middle of the night. i stayed, not because i was afraid, but because i actually believed that i could change the situation and find a way to repair what was broken before it even began. i thought the boy i had fallen for many years ago was the same person i spent these years with, but that was so incorrect that i failed nearly every test the universe gave me. i realized that he didn't even know who he was. and that was when i decided enough was enough. i was on a gurney when i knew. i despise him with every ounce of energy i have, but i love and cherish him just the same. i say so because he set me free, and allowed room for someone else to love me in a way that no one else will. i will always be thankful that he hurt my soul, my body, and my heart, because i understand that love is precious, and should be the most honest thing we should ever possess. i am so grateful."
the gavel beat the podium so intensely that the sound resonated through a room of silent, stoic faces. some of the women are holding tissues, and some of the men hang their heads.
i think you came into my life as a blessing. i ride the ferris wheel every september. when the weather changes, i am free. i am breathing. i am mine.